Running

Dear Characters,

I have started a running trend. In order to prepare of my PT test I have been running to get into better shape and have more stamina when the actual test is taken. Apparently everyone else also wants to get into better shape and they run with me. Well they try to run with me, my pace is a little faster than theirs and much longer. Now the role of personal trainer has been given to myself and I work for free. On average we've been a running crowd of about 5-8 people. See you tonight.

I really need to work on swimming.

Weather has been blustery.

The bowl of fruity pebbles, which was self served this morning, was full of ants and I didn't realize it till after consuming half the damn bowl.

This 15 year old girl is crushing on myself and I already said no, it's illegal.

The park bathroom is about to have a picture in frame hung on the walls.

I participated in an amateur strip contest at a gay bar, and lost to a fat chick. Doing back flips in your underwear I suppose isn't stripping. That was a loss of $100 though...



My friend has the video footage. I've been debating on whether or not I should put it on youtube. They want me to! How embarrassing.

Sincerely,

The Character

Florida Update

Dear Characters,

I understand that it has been a while since my last entry, however talking about the same thing consecutively doesn't make a lot of sense to me. That is what my life is, what I've previously mentioned in entries before. Now things have a changed a little and the season is coming to a close.

Monday I turned in my application to the Air Force which is being processed and evaluated for accuracy. There is one job that entertains my fancy, being a PJ in the Air Force. The prospects of me passing the PT test for such a career are in my opinion high despite only 10% of applicants actually pass the test to being training for such a career. PJ stands for Parajumper, so I will be jumping out of planes on a regular basis and that could not be more exciting. The technical name for being a PJ is Pararescue, also (as the name implies) used specifically to recover captured persons.



There is still no job market. There is still no work. I do have an interview Thursday.

Every Wednesday my friends and I go to a gay bar called "Cold Keg" which sponsors "Goth Night (Nocturnal)". We dance, play pool, and have a grand old time. Last Wednesday everyone put their heads together and decided to go as a zombie troop.



Good times.

Other than that everything is much the same.

I will not be returning to Georgia.

Sincerely,

The Character

Extrovert Heaven

Dear Characters,

I'm in extrovert heaven! Every day, every night, I'm with friends. We go places, hang out, work together for cash. Everything I do is utterly involved with this system. Every now and then cool down days happen to pop up. Today is one of those days, for now. After all it is still much too early for me to determine how the rest of my day will go.

Some think hanging out with friends every day isn't healthy. On the other hand hanging out with thirty different people and individuals could not be more healthy for a person like myself. Lots of hugs and love. Not that I've actually taken the time to do anything with anyone. I still have just as many condoms as I started off with, no sex, I have cuddled up with two people but when it's not sexual does that even come across as something worth mentioning in that theme of addressed?

I'm not waiting on anyone.

I waited a couple of years one time, such a waste.

Either way, there is my update.

Sincerely,

The Character

P.S.

I need to take some pictures of myself down here.

My philosophy on love and relationships

Dear Characters,

Every now and then I say a lot of good things, especially when people come to me for advice and I have a lot to say when it pertains to love. I'm just going to share the conversation. Make out of it what you will.

Me

What's bugging you?
12:03amKylie

boyfriend-not
12:03amMe

Why do you need one?
12:04amKylie is offline.
12:04amKylie is online.
12:05amKylie

just asked him if he wanted to get back together so its just the two of us, and he turned me down "No, not right now..." and then before I asked him, he asked as sexual question asking if we can still do something while we are "open"

and I said yes,

and then I asked...

and a couple of mins ago, I took back my answer about the sexual question and changed it to no
12:06amMe

He's looking for lust, drop it.
12:06amKylie

exactly...
12:06amMe

It doesn't work if it's one sided.
12:06amKylie

but I do love him....

At least... I think I do.. what is love?
12:06amMe

Ha,
12:07amMe

Love is when you're in a state of happiness OF YOURSELF. That may come from your surroundings or it may come from people, things even I suppose. Love can be a hobby. Love can be anything you shape it to be. Love is your personal Jesus.
12:09amKylie

ahahahahahahahaha well I want to be with him... and he says he wants to be with me, and well..... nevermind.
12:09amMe

and well what?
12:09amKylie

I feel like a whinning bitch.
12:09amMe

Whine to me all night please.

Look, are you looking for someone to love you or are you looking for someone to pleasure you?
12:10amKylie

love.

and if that comes to it, pleasure
12:11amMe

Okay, well from what it sounds like to me you're approaching what you WANT (because you technically don't NEED anyone) backwards.

This boyfriend is looking for lust.
12:11amKylie

and I know that...
12:11amMe

Right

You're looking for love.
12:11amKylie

but I want to be with him later in life.

and it is a long distance relationship
12:12amMe

Why did you break up with him then?
12:12amKylie

I didn't
12:12amMe

Oh.

xP

Anyway
12:12amKylie

and he didn't
12:12amMe

Oh... ?

???
12:12amKylie

we just kinda agreed to start an open relationship... just so we can see what we're missing...
12:12amMe

But you want him to yourself.
12:12amKylie

and he was always alright with the fact that we can get back together completely whenever.
12:13amMe

I don't like that though. It's not 'stable' enough.
12:13amKylie

and so I asked tonight, and suddenly after all his bitching, he says "no, not right now"

exactly
12:13amMe

Right, he's lusting.

;/

I've never done well in relationships.
12:14amKylie

and it hurts.
12:14amMe

3 months, all my girlfriends. I loved them all but I didn't love them in a sense of ...

soul mate fashion?

I loved them for being my friend or being someone that I could love on every now and then.
12:16amKylie

this is what he said:

[12:15:25 AM] Ethan "MrTizzay" Thibault: Promise me you'll want to later! I want to know what's wrong, what I DID wrong, and make it right! If not then at least say goodnight to me! It irritates you when people log off on you, it hurts me to have you of all people just stop talking without even saying goodnight or something!
12:16amMe

Some didn't like it, but you can't force an agenda on someone or a loyalty system when they're not ready.
12:16amKylie

what does it mean?

tell me what feelings lie behind that!
12:16amMe

Alright, hold on.
12:17amMe

Because he has established love/lust with you he wants to keep it.

And

He wants to make sure that his agenda (which should come first) isn't going to hurt you.

Because he does care about you. Not necessarily as a lover but as a sincere friend.

But I could be wrong.
12:19amKylie

maybe.
12:20amMe

That's how this feels to me, because while I've never ever wanted an open relationship... I always made sure that my ex-girlfriend was okay because I didn't want them to be mad at me for the choices I made for the better of overall both of our lives.
12:20amKylie

I see...
12:20amMe

People who do that are people you want to keep around. The only difference is every now and then you get an asshole who isn't responsible and doesn't understand what he/she wants.
12:20amKylie

thank you.
12:20amMe

You're welcome.

I hope I could help, because you are a friend to me Kylie.
12:21amKylie

as are you.
12:21amMe

I don't date for a reason, or get a girlfriend.

I simply...

1) Have a terrible time falling for people.

2) I was always too curious to see how it could work with someone else.

Because I number two I know I'm not going to be ready to be in a relationship for a while.
12:22amKylie

its smart
12:23amMe

Yes, it also helps keep people from having the dreading feeling you get from when you don't understand what your love wants.
12:23amKylie

oh yeah.

*sigh **
12:24amMe

Loving a video game, or a toaster is easy. You give it attention and it will give that attention right back to you.
12:24amKylie

why couldn't you have told me this earlier?

ahahahahaha
12:24amMe

:):)

Because no one asks me these things!

Loving a person is hard because then you either find someone who suits your mold or you have to give up on a few things to make the 'compromise'.

Most people don't hand over all of their love to one person or thing, because they're either bigger than that, or because it is a love that is a workable imperfect fit.
12:27amMe

Which the imperfect fit may be stressed but I believe it becomes its own mold where the love can be sustained.

I just don't understand why people get married to watch television in different rooms though.

That's bull shit.
12:27amKylie is offline.
12:28amMe

Rant rant rant rant rant. (While you were away).
12:28amKylie is online.
12:28amKylie

ahahahahahahaha

thank you.

Please, keep talking.
12:28amMe

You're welcome. If you need to talk just please come talk to me.

I may lecture people every now and then but most of the time I'm ranting.

Especially about love! I'm always thinking about love and the web it makes.

Goes on forever.
12:29amKylie

I'm tired of talking though, I want to listen.
12:29amMe

Take cookies for instance.

Okay, I'll talk, hush hush.

Cookies, my love hate relationship.

Cookies are the best sweet in the world. I love them. BUT, they give me a mad case of acne, so I don't eat them.

So I have to compromise because I also love being in shape and having good hygene.

I just simply can't have cookies very often if at all!

It's a relationship that I had to quit for what I believe was better overall.
12:32amMe

Sure it sucks, and yes people may take a different perspective and I'm not going to contest their opinion. I only would when the relationship is obviously too poisonous overall.

I'm not going to appreciate a diabetic artery clogged fat dying smoking bitch eating any god damn cookies.

She loves the cookies but the cookies are killing her.

That shit pisses me off.




=================

This is some of my philosophy behind how I personally feel about love and relationships. As a matter of fact I think I'm very much in love with someone right now, however that relationship is one I never allowed myself to manifest, keep that poker face on for them. That love wasn't a love that I saw working, fitting, fixing itself into it's own mold. I'm not sure that love will work because I want to pour all my love into this person who we can share experiences with. I'm not saying spend every waking moment with her, but have someone to plan my life around. However, personally, I think they're pretty distracted with lots of things about life in general. Perhaps that's why I like her.

Unfortunately that's another reason to keep things the way they are even if it's one of the last things I actually want that to be.

UGH! I don't even think I explained this right, it doesn't make a lick of fucking sense. I almost feel ashamed to think that I love someone and this is how I explained it. Pathetic.

You know you're in love if you can't explain it.

Sincerely,

The Character

Sick and Better again in 24 hours

Dear Characters,

I've managed to get sick and better very quickly like I usually do. The only thing I didn't like about my getting better was the help of a doctor. However when my grandmother takes care of me she 'knows' what is best.

The night before last I was getting this pain in my throat. The pain was very minimal at first and I made sure to drink some hot tea with honey, twice. That however didn't keep it from getting worse as the night went on and eventually swallowing was feeling as enjoyable as broken glass down the same pipe. I couldn't sleep well that night and I spent the day laying down doing my damnedest not to swallow anything at all. Meaning dehydration and no food, an ugly combination.

My grandmother went ahead and scheduled a doctors appointment at two. We went and he pretty much said "You'll have to suffer, just get something into your system, you don't want to go to the hospital." Then he perscribed some medication and a shot, which I received in his office. I suddenly felt like I needed to throw up, whatever was in that shot was not very helpful.

Moments later I fainted from an upright standing position. Fainting is one of the most interesting experiences of my life and I'm sad to say it was from some medicine. I would rather faint by getting a knock out punch rather than medication... When I came two everyone was hovering over me, especially my worried grandmother. I wasn't hurt, I actually thought the whole experience was humorous. Apparently on my way down I bumped my chin on the counter which alerted everyone else who wasn't in the room, I also knocked over my grandmother but I didn't know that either until the story after. I think it is the most interesting thing in the world to be standing up in a doctors office one moment and then the next moment you're on the floor with everyone watching you and a blank gap on how you got there. Fainting is like falling asleep, and when you wake up it's really dream like.

Everyone helped me into a wheel chair, if my throat wasn't so swollen I would have said "I feel much better." They laid me down on one of the doctors table for a short recovery. Shortly after we left, picked up my perscription, came home and I was in bed probably so drugged up and tired of drinking water at that time I passed out in bed. Briefly woke up for some very smashed up sweet potatoes, went back to bed, and woke up at 1:30am feeling 100%.

I've been up since then writing in my journal, listening to music, and eating/drinking everything.

I feel great! My grandmother wants me to rest all day again though. Sucks.

Sincerely,

The Character

Kicked out

Dear Characters,

I have an axe to grind with the Church('s) of God. Merrily I'm set up in the residence of nice people who enjoy my company. I decide I would go ahead and join them in church this past Sunday as I wouldn't have anything else to do. This is a Catholic church, which the sermon was boring, equivalent to watching shit stiffen. Now there must be a better way to pass the time, I whip out my itouch and start listening to Marilyn Manson. I even bob my head to it a little bit with the sound of the music going into my left ear, my right ear untouched. I poke my friends I sit next to and chat with them quietly and start writing notes on the reasons why I don't like Church.

Of course, the land lady didn't approve thirty minutes later when she noticed my behavior and promptly kicked me out. Forget the fact she called me an "angel" or "sent from God!". She had to get another lady to help her tell me her complaints, which I was not against moving out if she wanted me too. I just didn't like her bringing up things that don't matter in term of removing me from the household. "YOU WANTED TO DRINK IN MY HOME!" She shouted, Natalie: "Mom, Ed didn't want to do that..."

She was putting out any reason bull shit or not just to get rid of me for fucking around in Church. Never mind Christ is about compassion and forgiveness. Was I being a dick in Church? Yes, but I wasn't being a big dick, she didn't even know what I was doing, she just saw the ipod and that set her off.

I don't need to be living with a sensitive land lady anyway. You can keep the rest of the gas I bought because you didn't have the money to pay for it. I have shit luck with anyone I live with apparently.

Now I moved in with my grandmother, which isn't so bad. I just want to be independent and I can be just that as soon as I get a job here. As soon as I get a job I can be independent, no joke. There are a couple of room mates that are waiting on that one requirement and I'm all set.

In other news... my grand mother found a couple of hickeys on my neck. The chick I was kissing didn't mean to leave them there. Excitement goes a long way. My grandmother took it well, she wanted all of the details, what a profusely curious lady she is. The subject would not change until I was dropped off at the Avenue. What a merry conversation, too bad the make up I applied to hide it didn't work. I'm a bad liar anyway.

Sincerely,

The Character

Florida

Dear Characters,

My time here in Florida has been fantastic. Everyone is an extrovert! We hang out all day and all night. Sure I take hours out of each day to apply, talk to managers, and make phone calls all in association to get a job. This work towards getting a job seems to have strengthened my relationships around here. When seeing someone move onward with their life gander that other people will help you, even when unable to provide much if anything at all! Nothing compares to the help my friends give me here.

I once said an original quote...

"People are so... concerned about themselves. It's really irritating. I go through hell to hang out with someone and someone doesn't want to go through heaven for me."

Here, everyone goes through whatever they have to in order to see me. I'm not trying to be vein, it's just they way I am. I want to hang out with people and it is a bonus when they appreciate me. That also has something to do with my background living here. People fight to hang out with me, or really complain when I say I can't make it somewhere. When someone is fighting over you they truly appreciate you.

There is one thing I don't like about leaving Georgia, one person who I wanted to work with and get to know, that is the one and only thing making the choice to come here almost unbearable. The time I have to give up getting to spend, getting to know, this person. Funny how such emotions make the victories of moving into your element nearly neglect.

I just wish I could have had the chance to fight for them.

Sincerely,

The Character

I'm not a light weight

Dear Characters,

Tonight is the first night I've had several drinks. Compared to my friends I must say I'm quite a master. Not to inflate my ego but if this is the first time I've had three beers and my friends girlfriend is wasted after that many and I have to drive everyone home then that only amounts to one thing. I'm not a light weight.

Everything I do has everything to do with the fact that I'm not a light weight. I'm more into pulling my weight that getting interested in succumbing to the influence of chemicals. I'm more interested in being real than not real. I don't like drinking, as a matter of fact "Icehouse" is probably the worst thing you can drink ever. Booze is disgusting. I prefer the finer wines if I was to drink (seeing as how my 'no drinking' vows seem to be out the window at this point, may as well if I don't get drunk anyway). I'm actually glad I can think straight under a little influence. I don't have to worry about doing something I will regret. I no longer have the impression that being around my friends could lead to a small disaster.

Driving home was easy, it was like every time I drive.

Only I'm lying a little. It was different under the influence of three beers, I'm just a great actor when I'm under the influence (meaning I should still be sober if I'm aware). When you move your head a little too fast when you've had something to drink you notice a difference. Perhaps it is because I noticed the different in my perception that I was able to remain sober. I'm on high alert, I can not let the guard down. Adrenaline moving through the veins just enough to keep me so aware of my surroundings. Sure as hell impressed everyone. However, who is impressing?

People have wanted to see me drunk and they haven't made it yet. I'm starting to think that they will give up. If drinking means nothing then what's the point in trying to get me drunk?

However, I have a feeling that if I was drinking with someone special things would be different.

That statement alone proves to me that three beers makes a difference, even if I was the driver home because I was the most sober.

Sincerely,

The Character

Due West at 2

Dear Characters,

Every now and then I end up walking late at night. Maybe it's because I want to walk around that late at night or I'm headed home. Every time I forget just how still everything is and as I walk past my surroundings I feel like I'm going through a museum. To squat down and examine the grass frozen in time seems so extraordinary. The street lamps glaciated in a cold hour glass, always red or green, never changing. The trees don't quiver. Homes have soft lights in their windows, revealing a lamp and a large cushion of a chair with a desk in the back ground. Almost as if they were the large version of the tiny houses you set up every Christmas. I really felt that snow was the only thing missing from this late night quiescent.

Sincerely,

The Character

Fear and Fiction

Dear Characters,

Television. The greatest form of communication for the 20th century and is slowing becoming replaced with internet sources, however not fast enough to keep people from buying big screen TVs, Blue Ray Dvd players, Surround Sound, a Giant Fucking Couch/Chair, Sometimes 3D glasses, and a shit ton of snacks to eat while you view to your extreme pleasure. If you're a girl you might buy a dildo for your porn, and a man thankfully uses a 'free' hand.

So you have all these entertainment enhancers at your disposal, not that you have all of them but you get comfortable in front of the TV. Now you watch LOST, HOUSE, CSI MIAMI, VH1, CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, TNT, SPIKE, CARTOON NETWORK (if you have kids I hope), ESPN, C-SPAN (NOT), TBS, and the list goes on for miles and miles. You are influenced by every single one of the networks you watch. You have so many sources of entertainment it saturates television, like a fat pig and his slop.

You have all your entertainment enhancers, now at this point the show you pay good money for, becomes pretty realistic. The gun shot wounds of an action movie sound and look as if it happened right in front of you. You're brain searches for the memory of the last scab you peeled and a chemical reaction happens in your brain as the sequence of events happens on the TV. Now you can even smell the flesh and blood of the actor as he cries out in agony and shoots back. You're in the middle of the gun fight and your heart races, races! Especially if this is your first experience. The crime scene biopsies seem as though you could walk into the room and see the dead body in the morgue.

The news sells you all the bad news and you see the yellow tape and the flashing lights of cop cars surrounding a store not too far from you. As a matter of fact you recognize the shop you visit three times a year out of the three-hundred and sixty days it is open. Hell! A child molester was found in the next state over a hundred miles away from you, he even worked at an elementary school. The TV is right in front of you though and you can join into the action right there, in front of you, in your own room. At work you can discuss the terrible fate of what is usually someone senile or idiotic because this shit rarely happens to a normal person.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL! Here, these drugs will help you with your depression, your anxieties, fears! Afraid to be home alone at night? Call this hot line and a cute chick will come talk to you, pork her in the process my good sir, we want to take care of that erection - and ladies we only send the men with the biggest dick, doesn't matter if you're 40-50 as long as you PAY.

And the scammers laugh at you when you buy a new home security system because a break in is almost statistically impossible for an individual dwelling.

Politicians love you when you get so scared you come to the city hall meetings and you cry for help, you squeal with your emotional arguments, expanding government control and regulation. More cops are hired, so many that they've got nothing to do but sit on their ass writing you speeding tickets costing you more money than just taxes even though you wanted the police there in the first place. Then the cops laugh when they abuse people and can get away with it. Bully cops had to be hired because you wanted more and in order to do that you had to sacrifice the quality of the cop.

You invited fear into your home because of the fictional shit that statistically doesn't happen. That child molester wasn't anywhere near you and you were afraid about the integrity of the school system you grew up with and now have kids going to. BUT IT DID HAPPEN DIDN'T IT? Right in your LIVING ROOM. You got a first hand experience, the first scoop! Then you got so worried at night because some tree branch was scratching the side of your house you ended up with anxieties, you became depressed because of your sad life and wanted more medication to shove down your throat!

Then the doctors laugh at you because they sold you something that makes you more sick, so you can come visit again. Give you drugs that have certain effects and strange chemical reactions.

Despite all this you say, "I REFUSE TO GET INVOLVED WITH VIOLENCE!" despite that's where you enjoy being with your CSI, RAMBO, CNN. You play victim and you always need a helper (cops, drugs, prostitutes). All you had to do was spend maybe $25 on a small gun, more for the extra bullets, and no one would interrupt your happy paradise. You like the heart pumping adrenalin through you, watching those shows with the flashy lights. Why so scared to live it? Hell, women without STD's dig a man with a gun. Women with knives are pretty damn sexy. Might as well keep the entertainment dons from making a killing off your fears from fiction.

You love it, why don't you participate in this world of ENTERTAINMENT.

Sincerely,

The Character

The Farmers Wife

Dear Characters,

I'm in the process of watching an Alfred Hitchcock film and thought I might critique a little bit. Let this be known! I've not finished it.

First Impression -

My first impression was that the farmer, or head master of the household is a sincere man. The death of his wife has left him alone and sad. As the marriage commences in front of him and finishes he can only think about what ladies would be good for his household. I'm sitting here thinking that he will be a gentleman and by all means decide not to marry the women he confronts by standard elimination.



Second Impression -

This farmer is an asshole. I've never seen someone more rude and oblivious as well as self absorbed in my life! I could not imagine the childish tantrum he sprang up when he's being denied. Then when he was on the poor ladie's piano! Like he owns the joint. I would have kicked him in the fucking nuts.



Third Impression -

(Now that I've finished it.)
The movie is bloody brilliant. Sure the farmer was a bit of an air head but despite his arrogance I realized that this movie is really an old romantic comedy. The characters are supposed to be a little bit out of proportion but they are in such a realistic manner I could hardly tell until the end. Fantastic, comical, charming (at the end), witty, well seasoned and groomed for it's time.

Sincerely,

The Character


P.S. Pissed that looking up the pictures gave away the ending.

I just realized a fucking mistake

Dear Characters,

My past couple of blogs have been about people and love.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Sincerely,

The Character

Insomnia

Insomnia, my definition is something along the lines of - wow, I'm so troubled I can't sleep - and so it is.

Sometimes I wonder though if people really see me as troubled. Somehow I'm not sure that is at all possible. I've made a pretty good mask. I reaffirm my acting efforts with some inquiry from the people around me time to time.

Which means I'm never really truly honest.

Sad day when I'm too scared to be truly honest because I'm so used to things never going the way I would like them too. That is life. I suppose everyone wears a mask, I just wear the one most people wouldn't expect. The mask that doesn't blend in. It's like I'm a fucking ninja during the day, a paradox. Like most other masks mine is also an ever changing face.

I take that back though, the only thing I'm not honest in is love. These days love is just some fantasy, never really attainable with all the insincerity around us. You'll never find it because people like myself can never be satisfied when gifted a little more brain than the rest.

I don't believe that either.

What to believe? The whims of the heart change day by day.

Why do you think my name is The Character?

Self perception

Dear Characters,

A friend of mine that I've been intimate with doesn't like her breasts. They're nice breasts, they go well with her body. However she hates them so much she is planning on getting them cut off no questions asked. No matter how much I tell her she shouldn't judge them so harshly she isn't interested in listening. Now she's telling me that when intimate she'll wear a shirt and no one can touch them.

I want to flip my shit but I don't have a right to. It is her body, it is her choice. I still want to beat the fucking shit out of the mother fucker who put this ridiculous idea in her head. Isn't it funny to have sex with a shirt on these days? Sure that's kind of sexy but generally speaking you are still allowed to touch them. What the hell, I just don't understand.

When I see someone who is beautiful, wonderful, I want them to know that. They don't need to go through a physical change. Personally no one should really try to physically change themselves, rather figure out naturally what goes well with your style, your body type. Sometimes it is hit or miss, you don't always get it right. However I would like to think you don't take the judgment of others so seriously. Why so fucking serious? They're your fucking tits! Their big! Isn't that appreciated?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing this blog because I like tits and I want her to keep them because I like tits. I'm writing this because people have such a twisted sense of self image. This world fucks with self image daily and the people making the judgment have the biggest issues. It's a cluster fuck of mind rape, you have to sort out your thoughts and come to appreciate you for you and please quit giving a shit about what every one else thinks.

UGH! But then she may not be listening to anyone else. She just hates them. I just don't understand, never mind.

Again, what I have to say is not original. Seriously though, if your taking the advice of everyone else, you will be a fucking monster. If you're changing your physical body, there is a thing in me that ticks. Something inside of me stirs and gets so mad and I don't know why. Probably because I think of how people have their deformities and couldn't live their lives because they never had a chance against anyone else in their lack of physical charisma. Oh, God, if there is anything evil you've done it is the injustice of a self battering mind. I see beautiful, wonderful people, turn to dust because of their insecurities. God, it's so sad, it's so fucking sad.

Character

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA_MS3OJ1sE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKkiCFOE-Ic
http://www.metrolyrics.com/disposable-teens-lyrics-marilyn-manson.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmfQ7gSaJgM&feature=channel
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/tourniquet.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi5nTb-NRFU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQPJYnr48yU&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvf1DMDTosk&a=ikuNp3ekDYo&playnext_from=ML

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UdADvnJ2gI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCoU0PELLKs&feature=related

List of graduation gifts

-Video Camera
-ipod touch
-$255
-$150 gift cards to "Junkman's Daughter"
-Hallmark Cards

Best non-birthday ever...

Story

My mother and father were able to secure a job that was legal and have so far managed to keep bad ties away from them. However, my father was with a gang until he met my mother, they managed to remove themselves from the city they had resided in and into a bigger city. While a bigger city is more of a danger it is easier to hide in from past connections. I don't want to know what my father may have done to remain loyal to his creed. All I can say is he is a very brave man who loved a woman enough to go into hiding and provide the best life possible for her. To not be apart of a clan, creed, or union is means for a very difficult life here in America. Though because of my father's experience we are able to more easily remain hidden and sheltered. He's given everything toward my education - the only guarantee for a clan free life.

Today though, I worry. While I was on my way to my tutor the bus was shared with young men who were obviously associated with one of the city mafia dons despite their scroungy looks and rugged jaw lines. My father told me what to look out for. They ignored the "No hydrogen smoking" sign as each and every one of the four had lustrous dilation in their eyes puffing out evaporated remains in their lungs. Liquid cigarettes are more potent but were foced to be legal in order to prevent another illegal system of drug running & narcotics, not that it wasn't run by a clan lord anyway...

I tried to make myself small as to hide, however these days you just become more of a target while shrinking. They started to walk over to me, muttering their street slang amongst themselves which was different between clans. To speak differently than everyone else is helpful in preserving public privacy. Wide eyed and surprised the bus stopped, right at my stop. The doors opened and I exited out the back second door... not alone. Running up the dark and dismal block to the tutoring school I showed the bouncer my pass and he let me in . I was safe, I was relieved, the young men hung around outside eying the defense they couldn't cross, I was victorious.

The bouncers were were equipped with electric lashes and a small round shield for defense. When a young men moved in more, testing the waters, he was threatened with a last near the soles of his thick boots. The whip had pulverized more of the already poor excuse for a sidewalk.

What I did wrong was retreat to my lesson before making sure they left.

August 9 2077

What the fuck, porn.

Dear Characters,

It's one of those nights don't judge. One of the most absurd things about me is that I have a very sexual personality. I love to kiss, bite, touch, and be all things dirty. This is a vice I love, however, to my dismay... I am also equipped with the virtue integrity. I refuse to date girls to fuck them, if I date them I love them.

Friends with benefits you ask...? Well that would work, if everyone wouldn't use that as a fucking ploy to date me. Women, realize this, if I don't want to date you and I tell you this before engaging in friends with benefits please take that to heart! Oh my fucking god. Not that anything happened this weekend pertaining to friends with benefits, nothing happened. I was just chatting with my ex, catching up. I don't believe you should drop your ex's if it can be helped, unless they're really unhealthy for you personally.

This ex is healthy for me, so no worries there. She was telling me about what she had been up to since we broke up. I was her first boyfriend and she's had two more since then. She told me that because she had been with me her confidence soared and she felt much more comfortable with herself personally. She didn't realize that she was attractive, she didn't realize that she was just a very very sexy person, she didn't realize that her personality on top of that was a great mix with her maturity. Every relationship I've been in has accomplished this and I am very happy about it. They begin to realize who they are, what they have.

Why is this partly an issue for me? Because it's after the break up they determine they're also very sexual. Talk about a suck sob for me. She even has that friend at the end of the week she goes to, an actual friend with benefits. I could not be more envious. It's kind of either/or for me, the reason being is because I've been fighting to figure out where integrity lies on this dangerous line.

Friends with benefits has never really worked for me. Again, a ploy to try and date me isn't friends with benefits. That's a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not ready to date! I think...

So now that my week is over, it's been rough, and I've not had a mutual companion to lean on/cuddle with for months. Surly you other Characters can understand my wild frustration. So there's porn, a poor, boring, immature, lackluster, tepid, in-escalating, crappy, waning, sad, failure of a compromise. To hell with that though, I would have skipped class to kiss my ex in the auditorium in school too but it wasn't me. I would have done a number of things with her had her mom not been a hawk when I was around but she was. Is this what it means to be a hopeless romantic? Somehow it is very unsatisfying and I don't plan on changing the way I am either. I almost feel justified looking this shit up.

Sincerely,

The Character

Pipe Smoking

Dear Characters,

I've done a little research on smoking a pipe thanks to a few links I will add at the bottom.



First and foremost I've learned that smoking a pipe appears to be more healthy for you than actual cigarettes. To some smoking a pipe is an art, to all it is a relaxing experience. Wonderful aroma filling the air is the part of the point in the art of pipe smoking, as well as the taste. Truly this is an art of chemistry as you have various ways of experimenting with different brands of tobacco that will mix with the introduction of a new brand of tobacco if you choose not to completely clean your pipe after use. With this information present I do consider to stop smoking cigarettes for pipe smoking instead.

I was experimenting with a friend the other day and a few questions on "how to..." came up.

1. How to pack your pipe,

You pack your pipe slowly, always check to make sure there is never more resistance than sucking water from a straw when packing the tobacco. If there is, empty your pipe and restart. The bottom of your pipe should be loosely packed. You're not supposed to use your fingers when packing tobacco however, knowing the case of me and my friend we don't really have much of a choice until we purchase the proper tools. When you fill it to the top and there is little resistance you may now light your pipe!

2. How to light your pipe,

My friend had this down packed, you take a match and make circles around the top while gently puffing (you never inhale smoking a pipe). The first time you light a match you burn off the moisture on the top. From what I understand you're supposed to light a second match, however I can't see why the first one becomes inept. Light your damn pipe, peacefully.

3. Do pipes generally go out?

Yes, apparently every pipe smoker on average has to relight their pipe once. Don't try to puff more to keep it lit because then you're ruining the experience of the 'pipe'. My friend and I probably packed our pipes wrong, however, we're beginners.

4. Everything else,

Check out the links. These have everything mentioned above and more.

http://www.notsoboringlife.com/pipe-smoking/guide-to-pipe-smoking/
http://graemets.tripod.com/Safer_Smoking.htm
http://www.stop-smoking-updates.com/quitsmoking/smoking-and-your-health/other-health-hazards/pipes-are-safe-cigarette-smoking-is-injurious-to-health.htm

My day in bits and pieces

As I sit there watching the six fans rotate themselves around and around my mother is tearing up in front of me at the restaurant we're eating at.
I don't know why she's tearing up in front of me, even when I ask her she defends the position that nothing is wrong.
She goes to the bathroom and I sit there for about 6 minutes and 47 seconds knowing that the only reason she's gone that long is to not cry in front of me.
When we get home I walk the black and white dog mom has, I hate doing it.
Returning to my room she's crying in her bathroom, now that I think of it she had been complaining about a friend of hers having a stupid love triangle.
I think, how stupid. It's so stupid why are you even telling me? We know people who're like that generally don't even deserve to be talked to. How can they even expect coming out on top lying to all of the people this girl is deceiving?
I skipped school today to make an interview with a man who was interested in casting me for his agency, instead he offered me a bill for classes that don't necessarily hold promise for getting into the agency. I don't even have the money to participate anyway.
I read ten chapters of fight club in Barnes&Nobel today, 87 pages. I need to remember page 141 for a book I was merely flipping through in regards to getting to know the mind better. I saw a book called "The Crash Course for AP psychology" and wondered what America has come to selling books on how to pass the tests instead of actually learning the subject.
I said hello to a black man while I was headed over to the book store, he was smoking a cigarette and just stared at me when we passed each other by.
The mall I waited at for my appointment didn't have any stores I wanted to go to. Perimeter mall was equipped with 80% clothing stores, 19% shoe stores, and 1% other stores. It is the first mall I have ever been to that didn't have a single store to suit my interests.
I walked into one of the shoe stores asking for a pen so I could fill out the rest of the information on my application sheet for MTM. The lady at the store was trying to convince me to buy shoes with money I didn't have. I know she didn't know I was broke, so I apologized and thanked her for allowing me to use the pen, I said I would recommend the store. When the interview ended the casting director never even looked at the sheet or any of the other information I had brought for him today.
A lady at the food court offered me a sample for some frozen ice cream yogurt stuff. I was only checking long enough to see if it was a smoothie shop. I apologized to her too and then bought a smoothie from another stall at the food court almost right next to hers.
I'm telling mom about the interview with MTM and she criticizes me for not pursuing the agencies she got contact information for back when we were extras for "Get Low". I didn't want to talk about it and she accused me for not wanting to. In truth I did want to talk about it, I just didn't want to talk while she was using a raised voice. Our 'discussion' spilled out into the parking lot for the restaurant and she threatened to just take me home.
I'm reciting my Latin oratory while I wait for mom to finish her mammogram this morning. She comes out smiling and excited. She tested negative for cancer and I was really happy for her. A day starting out this good can only end the same way. Little did I know this is one of those days I wish I had someone to cuddle up with, what goes around comes around.

My weekend

Friday was spent in the utter concentration of completing my statistics homework.

Saturday was a little hectic due to a shortage of time. I had an open call for modeling/acting at 1:00pm. Thankfully even though I was ten minutes late the casting agency had not started yet. Arriving at the agency was an easy walk in, sign in, and enter into a room with roughly 50 other people. These people were either here with parents, family, friends, to help support them while the audition was going on for those auditioning. While I did come with my brother, he remained in the waiting area at the front. Christopher (my elder brother) seemed to be having a rotten day. Not that I minded him not being there for me, actually I almost preferred it. This is my business after all. The room was focused on a tiled walkway that had been built to represent a runway. So it was just... a runway? While I was waiting I had to fill out this form for all of my information, which I unfortunately did not have the time to complete before handing it in. They didn't seem to mind...

The casting directors came into the room and a man named Derrick had a short introduction to the business of MTM modeling (the name of the agency). Then he had all of the models lined up and walk down the runway in the center of the room, making sure to ask each person who auditioned to say their name. In good humor, sometimes I wonder why crowds of timid people go to open calls for casting companies to get into an industry they are currently not cut out for. They say their name, walk the runway (quickly) and leave. You have such a small amount of time to truly show the directors that you are very interested in this industry. I agree with them, a few seconds is all it takes.

Think of it like this. These directors get thousands upon thousands of requests from people who want to be apart of their industry. Naturally it is impossible to sift through all of those requests reading every resume by verbatim. Instead they hold open calls, you go by their standards, and you have seconds to impress them because everyone wants to be a superstar! So many people think "I'm the best!" but they're really in need of a reality check.

Knowing what they would be looking for, when they asked my name I said "I'm Edward and I'm not a vampire!" which is really a very stupid joke to be honest. So why would I say that? To tell them I'm a little more flamboyant. Once I finished walking the runway and taking my time to the end and back the casting directors left the room. Seconds later they came back in asking for me. I was pleased to be an immediate call back. Tomorrow I'll be at a meeting to discuss my contract! Everything about this is very exciting because this is what I want to do. This is what I love to do.

Afterward my friend was having a birthday party which was pretty outrageous! We were smashing things, dancing, chatting, watching mediocre movies, and most of all having a blast. I think the strangest thing about the party was the skinny dipping whirlpool. My friend happens to have a circular pool which if everyone swims in the same direction makes a whirlpool and can be quite strong. She also seems to be a nudist. The family seems to be that way, which is odd watching the birthday girl skinny dipping into her pool around her friends with her parents present. Hell, I still can't figure that out. What's even funnier is several other people were stripping down too. I was in my underwear but had no plans to make a further step. While in the pool I did have to make an effort not to run into any of the naked males.

The rest of the night consisted of movies, games, and truth or dare until 8 in the morning. It was quite a game...

Story

This is not a safe city. I have to make the rounds to afternoon tutoring, which is rare and expensive these days because the head masters pay so much for the guards. Prices are high because the guards have to be bribed enough to be loyal. The guards that are employed are almost always apart of a gang. Once America became a socialistic country (with the passing of health care in 2010 came many other government dependent bills) gangs and black markets were on the rise. Many of these gangs take advantage of what the government offers, such as drugs the few doctors left prescribe, and sells them at these markets for trade. Technically there isn't such a thing as a privately owned business anymore. Anything the black market can't deal in, such as banking, some of the entertainment industry, cell phone providers, propaganda, insurance, and of course things that don't matter (because they're not illegal).

...

Today's details

Dear Characters,

I didn't get much sleep last night. Falling asleep during my favorite class is not a classic wonderful day ideal. Mr. Tarvin did give me a cup of his coffee and eventually I got more coffee from Mrs. Hwangbo (who is another favorite teacher of mine, I like Tarvin too). Funny enough, I tried to get the coffee from Mrs. Hwangbo before class started fourth period. However Mrs. Parker wasn't going to have a word of 'excuses' and I ended up going after lunch, sneaking back into class without being noticed and receiving no tardy. Before lunch I was snoozing on the back wall like predicted to Parker.

Talking with Mr. Van Eywk this afternoon we got into the conversation of the teacher cuts and class cuts. Harrison is planning on cutting Current Issues, the only class that addresses life outside of the United States, talks about the constitution on a regular basis, and encourages more awareness of issues that plague groups of people every day. There is always a debate on abortion, religion and the states, the federal government, foreign policy, politicians today, and the right direction for the United States to head in for the betterment of the future. Instead they want to keep BPE, fucking life sports, and weightlifting. How the fuck did they come up with that logic?

Bed, nap time, more later. Perhaps another rough draft of the story idea that has been bouncing around in my mind.

Sincerely,

The Character

Friend

There are some nights I can hear beautiful music, the music is so sad though. The apartment downstairs was moved into a few months ago. Since then my nightmares have died out some, and I feel healthier. However I don't know the man who lives in that apartment, who he is, why he moved in. Sometimes I try to convince myself to walk down the steps just to knock on the door and thank him but I get too embarrassed. He has his own reasons for moving in and playing the music he does. Why sad music puts me in such a state of calm I'll never know or understand. Maybe it's because I do understand, understand that... perhaps there is a loneliness that he feels I feel too.

In this city there is always a lot of grief. This is not a safe city and you have to be careful. Maybe the man downstairs wasn't careful enough? Could he be there because he lost someone important to him? Ohh, I want to know! It seems so superficial to be interested in someone you've never even seen. Kind of like some movie star in all the magazines you'll see at the drug store or the gas station, even in the trash bins next to the road these days. Just so happens it's worse for me, because I've never even seen him? I don't know, but... one day, soon I hope, I'll get the chance to meet him.

July 25, 2077

Cigarettes

Dear Characters,

Today is a heavy smoking day.

Sincerely,

The Character

Strange feeling

Dear Characters,

If there isn't a strange feeling I'm having something is wrong. However these days I've been a little unsure as to my exact feelings. Goes to show that I've still more to learn about myself. There is so much more that I don't know, who am I? What is my significance? What is my original character? Truly, actors are the most brave people in the world. They must face themselves daily, look at themselves and be happy despite the monsters that ravage them each and every day. Self created monsters. Every day they battle themselves for control and acknowledgment to tap deeper into the resources of their field.

That is what separates good acting from bad acting. Great actors can look themselves in the face and see no limitations as to where they're going. The world is not limited, and the bad actors quiver in the mirror. Cowards! Even as I write this I want to cry because no one gets it. No one understands. This isn't just about acting anymore. Generation to generation our kids experience rape, suicide, murder, discrimination, genocide, homicide, accidents, and you know. Most of all they've experienced

No love.

Pig headed Christians talk about love but they care too much about the word of the word rather than the spirit of it. Judgmental bastards will point out everyone's flaws but they can't look themselves in the mirror. Perfectionists don't realize it can't be perfect. Genius is rewarded with irresponsibility. Control freaks are out of control. Doesn't anyone realize that the in all of the beauty of the world what is imperfect is the most beautiful? Why doesn't anyone love what they have? Why would you love more if you don't love little? Damn it.

I don't know these days wither I'm smart or stupid because no one seems to see what I see. Nor are they feeling what I'm feeling. I can understand if they're not experiencing what I'm experiencing.

Forced Introvert

Dear Characters,

Generally speaking I love to get out and do something. I love people bothering me and when people want attention I usually give that attention to them. Sometimes there are people that are not interesting enough to hold my attention. Shallow people end up becoming a burden upon the mind. To me there usually is something to analyze, watching people helps me understand myself better, come to better terms with who I am. If I'm addicted to anything my addiction falls into the mad study of the people around me.

To my dismay people don't like that. To my dismay people are unsatisfied with my 'irrational' behavior. There isn't an intrusion in their life with a study, a method everyone should be doing becomes an accusation. So here I am again! Home again. So long has it been I actually feel I've forgotten the proper way to be friends. The proper way to make friends has disintegrated and instead I have frustration.

Sincerely,

The Character

Angry at Apathy

Dear Characters,

While I admit every now and then I'm plagued with an apathy. However so many hold these feelings so far above themselves they cannot remove themselves from a personal sink hole. With this incensed feeling for the people who continue to show no sign of development I've decided to make a blog.

Perhaps making a blog is the wrong way to approach this issue? At least this will give me a vent as I want to bring up the world and perhaps things in my life. Electronics are not necessarily foreboding, just used incorrectly. Blogs like this give the world a chance to write and exercise speech. I do believe everyone needs to be writing.

Sincerely,

The Character