The Farmers Wife

Dear Characters,

I'm in the process of watching an Alfred Hitchcock film and thought I might critique a little bit. Let this be known! I've not finished it.

First Impression -

My first impression was that the farmer, or head master of the household is a sincere man. The death of his wife has left him alone and sad. As the marriage commences in front of him and finishes he can only think about what ladies would be good for his household. I'm sitting here thinking that he will be a gentleman and by all means decide not to marry the women he confronts by standard elimination.



Second Impression -

This farmer is an asshole. I've never seen someone more rude and oblivious as well as self absorbed in my life! I could not imagine the childish tantrum he sprang up when he's being denied. Then when he was on the poor ladie's piano! Like he owns the joint. I would have kicked him in the fucking nuts.



Third Impression -

(Now that I've finished it.)
The movie is bloody brilliant. Sure the farmer was a bit of an air head but despite his arrogance I realized that this movie is really an old romantic comedy. The characters are supposed to be a little bit out of proportion but they are in such a realistic manner I could hardly tell until the end. Fantastic, comical, charming (at the end), witty, well seasoned and groomed for it's time.

Sincerely,

The Character


P.S. Pissed that looking up the pictures gave away the ending.

I just realized a fucking mistake

Dear Characters,

My past couple of blogs have been about people and love.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Sincerely,

The Character

Insomnia

Insomnia, my definition is something along the lines of - wow, I'm so troubled I can't sleep - and so it is.

Sometimes I wonder though if people really see me as troubled. Somehow I'm not sure that is at all possible. I've made a pretty good mask. I reaffirm my acting efforts with some inquiry from the people around me time to time.

Which means I'm never really truly honest.

Sad day when I'm too scared to be truly honest because I'm so used to things never going the way I would like them too. That is life. I suppose everyone wears a mask, I just wear the one most people wouldn't expect. The mask that doesn't blend in. It's like I'm a fucking ninja during the day, a paradox. Like most other masks mine is also an ever changing face.

I take that back though, the only thing I'm not honest in is love. These days love is just some fantasy, never really attainable with all the insincerity around us. You'll never find it because people like myself can never be satisfied when gifted a little more brain than the rest.

I don't believe that either.

What to believe? The whims of the heart change day by day.

Why do you think my name is The Character?

Self perception

Dear Characters,

A friend of mine that I've been intimate with doesn't like her breasts. They're nice breasts, they go well with her body. However she hates them so much she is planning on getting them cut off no questions asked. No matter how much I tell her she shouldn't judge them so harshly she isn't interested in listening. Now she's telling me that when intimate she'll wear a shirt and no one can touch them.

I want to flip my shit but I don't have a right to. It is her body, it is her choice. I still want to beat the fucking shit out of the mother fucker who put this ridiculous idea in her head. Isn't it funny to have sex with a shirt on these days? Sure that's kind of sexy but generally speaking you are still allowed to touch them. What the hell, I just don't understand.

When I see someone who is beautiful, wonderful, I want them to know that. They don't need to go through a physical change. Personally no one should really try to physically change themselves, rather figure out naturally what goes well with your style, your body type. Sometimes it is hit or miss, you don't always get it right. However I would like to think you don't take the judgment of others so seriously. Why so fucking serious? They're your fucking tits! Their big! Isn't that appreciated?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing this blog because I like tits and I want her to keep them because I like tits. I'm writing this because people have such a twisted sense of self image. This world fucks with self image daily and the people making the judgment have the biggest issues. It's a cluster fuck of mind rape, you have to sort out your thoughts and come to appreciate you for you and please quit giving a shit about what every one else thinks.

UGH! But then she may not be listening to anyone else. She just hates them. I just don't understand, never mind.

Again, what I have to say is not original. Seriously though, if your taking the advice of everyone else, you will be a fucking monster. If you're changing your physical body, there is a thing in me that ticks. Something inside of me stirs and gets so mad and I don't know why. Probably because I think of how people have their deformities and couldn't live their lives because they never had a chance against anyone else in their lack of physical charisma. Oh, God, if there is anything evil you've done it is the injustice of a self battering mind. I see beautiful, wonderful people, turn to dust because of their insecurities. God, it's so sad, it's so fucking sad.

Character

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA_MS3OJ1sE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKkiCFOE-Ic
http://www.metrolyrics.com/disposable-teens-lyrics-marilyn-manson.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmfQ7gSaJgM&feature=channel
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/marilynmanson/tourniquet.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi5nTb-NRFU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQPJYnr48yU&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvf1DMDTosk&a=ikuNp3ekDYo&playnext_from=ML

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UdADvnJ2gI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCoU0PELLKs&feature=related

List of graduation gifts

-Video Camera
-ipod touch
-$255
-$150 gift cards to "Junkman's Daughter"
-Hallmark Cards

Best non-birthday ever...

Story

My mother and father were able to secure a job that was legal and have so far managed to keep bad ties away from them. However, my father was with a gang until he met my mother, they managed to remove themselves from the city they had resided in and into a bigger city. While a bigger city is more of a danger it is easier to hide in from past connections. I don't want to know what my father may have done to remain loyal to his creed. All I can say is he is a very brave man who loved a woman enough to go into hiding and provide the best life possible for her. To not be apart of a clan, creed, or union is means for a very difficult life here in America. Though because of my father's experience we are able to more easily remain hidden and sheltered. He's given everything toward my education - the only guarantee for a clan free life.

Today though, I worry. While I was on my way to my tutor the bus was shared with young men who were obviously associated with one of the city mafia dons despite their scroungy looks and rugged jaw lines. My father told me what to look out for. They ignored the "No hydrogen smoking" sign as each and every one of the four had lustrous dilation in their eyes puffing out evaporated remains in their lungs. Liquid cigarettes are more potent but were foced to be legal in order to prevent another illegal system of drug running & narcotics, not that it wasn't run by a clan lord anyway...

I tried to make myself small as to hide, however these days you just become more of a target while shrinking. They started to walk over to me, muttering their street slang amongst themselves which was different between clans. To speak differently than everyone else is helpful in preserving public privacy. Wide eyed and surprised the bus stopped, right at my stop. The doors opened and I exited out the back second door... not alone. Running up the dark and dismal block to the tutoring school I showed the bouncer my pass and he let me in . I was safe, I was relieved, the young men hung around outside eying the defense they couldn't cross, I was victorious.

The bouncers were were equipped with electric lashes and a small round shield for defense. When a young men moved in more, testing the waters, he was threatened with a last near the soles of his thick boots. The whip had pulverized more of the already poor excuse for a sidewalk.

What I did wrong was retreat to my lesson before making sure they left.

August 9 2077

What the fuck, porn.

Dear Characters,

It's one of those nights don't judge. One of the most absurd things about me is that I have a very sexual personality. I love to kiss, bite, touch, and be all things dirty. This is a vice I love, however, to my dismay... I am also equipped with the virtue integrity. I refuse to date girls to fuck them, if I date them I love them.

Friends with benefits you ask...? Well that would work, if everyone wouldn't use that as a fucking ploy to date me. Women, realize this, if I don't want to date you and I tell you this before engaging in friends with benefits please take that to heart! Oh my fucking god. Not that anything happened this weekend pertaining to friends with benefits, nothing happened. I was just chatting with my ex, catching up. I don't believe you should drop your ex's if it can be helped, unless they're really unhealthy for you personally.

This ex is healthy for me, so no worries there. She was telling me about what she had been up to since we broke up. I was her first boyfriend and she's had two more since then. She told me that because she had been with me her confidence soared and she felt much more comfortable with herself personally. She didn't realize that she was attractive, she didn't realize that she was just a very very sexy person, she didn't realize that her personality on top of that was a great mix with her maturity. Every relationship I've been in has accomplished this and I am very happy about it. They begin to realize who they are, what they have.

Why is this partly an issue for me? Because it's after the break up they determine they're also very sexual. Talk about a suck sob for me. She even has that friend at the end of the week she goes to, an actual friend with benefits. I could not be more envious. It's kind of either/or for me, the reason being is because I've been fighting to figure out where integrity lies on this dangerous line.

Friends with benefits has never really worked for me. Again, a ploy to try and date me isn't friends with benefits. That's a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not ready to date! I think...

So now that my week is over, it's been rough, and I've not had a mutual companion to lean on/cuddle with for months. Surly you other Characters can understand my wild frustration. So there's porn, a poor, boring, immature, lackluster, tepid, in-escalating, crappy, waning, sad, failure of a compromise. To hell with that though, I would have skipped class to kiss my ex in the auditorium in school too but it wasn't me. I would have done a number of things with her had her mom not been a hawk when I was around but she was. Is this what it means to be a hopeless romantic? Somehow it is very unsatisfying and I don't plan on changing the way I am either. I almost feel justified looking this shit up.

Sincerely,

The Character

Pipe Smoking

Dear Characters,

I've done a little research on smoking a pipe thanks to a few links I will add at the bottom.



First and foremost I've learned that smoking a pipe appears to be more healthy for you than actual cigarettes. To some smoking a pipe is an art, to all it is a relaxing experience. Wonderful aroma filling the air is the part of the point in the art of pipe smoking, as well as the taste. Truly this is an art of chemistry as you have various ways of experimenting with different brands of tobacco that will mix with the introduction of a new brand of tobacco if you choose not to completely clean your pipe after use. With this information present I do consider to stop smoking cigarettes for pipe smoking instead.

I was experimenting with a friend the other day and a few questions on "how to..." came up.

1. How to pack your pipe,

You pack your pipe slowly, always check to make sure there is never more resistance than sucking water from a straw when packing the tobacco. If there is, empty your pipe and restart. The bottom of your pipe should be loosely packed. You're not supposed to use your fingers when packing tobacco however, knowing the case of me and my friend we don't really have much of a choice until we purchase the proper tools. When you fill it to the top and there is little resistance you may now light your pipe!

2. How to light your pipe,

My friend had this down packed, you take a match and make circles around the top while gently puffing (you never inhale smoking a pipe). The first time you light a match you burn off the moisture on the top. From what I understand you're supposed to light a second match, however I can't see why the first one becomes inept. Light your damn pipe, peacefully.

3. Do pipes generally go out?

Yes, apparently every pipe smoker on average has to relight their pipe once. Don't try to puff more to keep it lit because then you're ruining the experience of the 'pipe'. My friend and I probably packed our pipes wrong, however, we're beginners.

4. Everything else,

Check out the links. These have everything mentioned above and more.

http://www.notsoboringlife.com/pipe-smoking/guide-to-pipe-smoking/
http://graemets.tripod.com/Safer_Smoking.htm
http://www.stop-smoking-updates.com/quitsmoking/smoking-and-your-health/other-health-hazards/pipes-are-safe-cigarette-smoking-is-injurious-to-health.htm

My day in bits and pieces

As I sit there watching the six fans rotate themselves around and around my mother is tearing up in front of me at the restaurant we're eating at.
I don't know why she's tearing up in front of me, even when I ask her she defends the position that nothing is wrong.
She goes to the bathroom and I sit there for about 6 minutes and 47 seconds knowing that the only reason she's gone that long is to not cry in front of me.
When we get home I walk the black and white dog mom has, I hate doing it.
Returning to my room she's crying in her bathroom, now that I think of it she had been complaining about a friend of hers having a stupid love triangle.
I think, how stupid. It's so stupid why are you even telling me? We know people who're like that generally don't even deserve to be talked to. How can they even expect coming out on top lying to all of the people this girl is deceiving?
I skipped school today to make an interview with a man who was interested in casting me for his agency, instead he offered me a bill for classes that don't necessarily hold promise for getting into the agency. I don't even have the money to participate anyway.
I read ten chapters of fight club in Barnes&Nobel today, 87 pages. I need to remember page 141 for a book I was merely flipping through in regards to getting to know the mind better. I saw a book called "The Crash Course for AP psychology" and wondered what America has come to selling books on how to pass the tests instead of actually learning the subject.
I said hello to a black man while I was headed over to the book store, he was smoking a cigarette and just stared at me when we passed each other by.
The mall I waited at for my appointment didn't have any stores I wanted to go to. Perimeter mall was equipped with 80% clothing stores, 19% shoe stores, and 1% other stores. It is the first mall I have ever been to that didn't have a single store to suit my interests.
I walked into one of the shoe stores asking for a pen so I could fill out the rest of the information on my application sheet for MTM. The lady at the store was trying to convince me to buy shoes with money I didn't have. I know she didn't know I was broke, so I apologized and thanked her for allowing me to use the pen, I said I would recommend the store. When the interview ended the casting director never even looked at the sheet or any of the other information I had brought for him today.
A lady at the food court offered me a sample for some frozen ice cream yogurt stuff. I was only checking long enough to see if it was a smoothie shop. I apologized to her too and then bought a smoothie from another stall at the food court almost right next to hers.
I'm telling mom about the interview with MTM and she criticizes me for not pursuing the agencies she got contact information for back when we were extras for "Get Low". I didn't want to talk about it and she accused me for not wanting to. In truth I did want to talk about it, I just didn't want to talk while she was using a raised voice. Our 'discussion' spilled out into the parking lot for the restaurant and she threatened to just take me home.
I'm reciting my Latin oratory while I wait for mom to finish her mammogram this morning. She comes out smiling and excited. She tested negative for cancer and I was really happy for her. A day starting out this good can only end the same way. Little did I know this is one of those days I wish I had someone to cuddle up with, what goes around comes around.

My weekend

Friday was spent in the utter concentration of completing my statistics homework.

Saturday was a little hectic due to a shortage of time. I had an open call for modeling/acting at 1:00pm. Thankfully even though I was ten minutes late the casting agency had not started yet. Arriving at the agency was an easy walk in, sign in, and enter into a room with roughly 50 other people. These people were either here with parents, family, friends, to help support them while the audition was going on for those auditioning. While I did come with my brother, he remained in the waiting area at the front. Christopher (my elder brother) seemed to be having a rotten day. Not that I minded him not being there for me, actually I almost preferred it. This is my business after all. The room was focused on a tiled walkway that had been built to represent a runway. So it was just... a runway? While I was waiting I had to fill out this form for all of my information, which I unfortunately did not have the time to complete before handing it in. They didn't seem to mind...

The casting directors came into the room and a man named Derrick had a short introduction to the business of MTM modeling (the name of the agency). Then he had all of the models lined up and walk down the runway in the center of the room, making sure to ask each person who auditioned to say their name. In good humor, sometimes I wonder why crowds of timid people go to open calls for casting companies to get into an industry they are currently not cut out for. They say their name, walk the runway (quickly) and leave. You have such a small amount of time to truly show the directors that you are very interested in this industry. I agree with them, a few seconds is all it takes.

Think of it like this. These directors get thousands upon thousands of requests from people who want to be apart of their industry. Naturally it is impossible to sift through all of those requests reading every resume by verbatim. Instead they hold open calls, you go by their standards, and you have seconds to impress them because everyone wants to be a superstar! So many people think "I'm the best!" but they're really in need of a reality check.

Knowing what they would be looking for, when they asked my name I said "I'm Edward and I'm not a vampire!" which is really a very stupid joke to be honest. So why would I say that? To tell them I'm a little more flamboyant. Once I finished walking the runway and taking my time to the end and back the casting directors left the room. Seconds later they came back in asking for me. I was pleased to be an immediate call back. Tomorrow I'll be at a meeting to discuss my contract! Everything about this is very exciting because this is what I want to do. This is what I love to do.

Afterward my friend was having a birthday party which was pretty outrageous! We were smashing things, dancing, chatting, watching mediocre movies, and most of all having a blast. I think the strangest thing about the party was the skinny dipping whirlpool. My friend happens to have a circular pool which if everyone swims in the same direction makes a whirlpool and can be quite strong. She also seems to be a nudist. The family seems to be that way, which is odd watching the birthday girl skinny dipping into her pool around her friends with her parents present. Hell, I still can't figure that out. What's even funnier is several other people were stripping down too. I was in my underwear but had no plans to make a further step. While in the pool I did have to make an effort not to run into any of the naked males.

The rest of the night consisted of movies, games, and truth or dare until 8 in the morning. It was quite a game...

Story

This is not a safe city. I have to make the rounds to afternoon tutoring, which is rare and expensive these days because the head masters pay so much for the guards. Prices are high because the guards have to be bribed enough to be loyal. The guards that are employed are almost always apart of a gang. Once America became a socialistic country (with the passing of health care in 2010 came many other government dependent bills) gangs and black markets were on the rise. Many of these gangs take advantage of what the government offers, such as drugs the few doctors left prescribe, and sells them at these markets for trade. Technically there isn't such a thing as a privately owned business anymore. Anything the black market can't deal in, such as banking, some of the entertainment industry, cell phone providers, propaganda, insurance, and of course things that don't matter (because they're not illegal).

...

Today's details

Dear Characters,

I didn't get much sleep last night. Falling asleep during my favorite class is not a classic wonderful day ideal. Mr. Tarvin did give me a cup of his coffee and eventually I got more coffee from Mrs. Hwangbo (who is another favorite teacher of mine, I like Tarvin too). Funny enough, I tried to get the coffee from Mrs. Hwangbo before class started fourth period. However Mrs. Parker wasn't going to have a word of 'excuses' and I ended up going after lunch, sneaking back into class without being noticed and receiving no tardy. Before lunch I was snoozing on the back wall like predicted to Parker.

Talking with Mr. Van Eywk this afternoon we got into the conversation of the teacher cuts and class cuts. Harrison is planning on cutting Current Issues, the only class that addresses life outside of the United States, talks about the constitution on a regular basis, and encourages more awareness of issues that plague groups of people every day. There is always a debate on abortion, religion and the states, the federal government, foreign policy, politicians today, and the right direction for the United States to head in for the betterment of the future. Instead they want to keep BPE, fucking life sports, and weightlifting. How the fuck did they come up with that logic?

Bed, nap time, more later. Perhaps another rough draft of the story idea that has been bouncing around in my mind.

Sincerely,

The Character

Friend

There are some nights I can hear beautiful music, the music is so sad though. The apartment downstairs was moved into a few months ago. Since then my nightmares have died out some, and I feel healthier. However I don't know the man who lives in that apartment, who he is, why he moved in. Sometimes I try to convince myself to walk down the steps just to knock on the door and thank him but I get too embarrassed. He has his own reasons for moving in and playing the music he does. Why sad music puts me in such a state of calm I'll never know or understand. Maybe it's because I do understand, understand that... perhaps there is a loneliness that he feels I feel too.

In this city there is always a lot of grief. This is not a safe city and you have to be careful. Maybe the man downstairs wasn't careful enough? Could he be there because he lost someone important to him? Ohh, I want to know! It seems so superficial to be interested in someone you've never even seen. Kind of like some movie star in all the magazines you'll see at the drug store or the gas station, even in the trash bins next to the road these days. Just so happens it's worse for me, because I've never even seen him? I don't know, but... one day, soon I hope, I'll get the chance to meet him.

July 25, 2077

Cigarettes

Dear Characters,

Today is a heavy smoking day.

Sincerely,

The Character

Strange feeling

Dear Characters,

If there isn't a strange feeling I'm having something is wrong. However these days I've been a little unsure as to my exact feelings. Goes to show that I've still more to learn about myself. There is so much more that I don't know, who am I? What is my significance? What is my original character? Truly, actors are the most brave people in the world. They must face themselves daily, look at themselves and be happy despite the monsters that ravage them each and every day. Self created monsters. Every day they battle themselves for control and acknowledgment to tap deeper into the resources of their field.

That is what separates good acting from bad acting. Great actors can look themselves in the face and see no limitations as to where they're going. The world is not limited, and the bad actors quiver in the mirror. Cowards! Even as I write this I want to cry because no one gets it. No one understands. This isn't just about acting anymore. Generation to generation our kids experience rape, suicide, murder, discrimination, genocide, homicide, accidents, and you know. Most of all they've experienced

No love.

Pig headed Christians talk about love but they care too much about the word of the word rather than the spirit of it. Judgmental bastards will point out everyone's flaws but they can't look themselves in the mirror. Perfectionists don't realize it can't be perfect. Genius is rewarded with irresponsibility. Control freaks are out of control. Doesn't anyone realize that the in all of the beauty of the world what is imperfect is the most beautiful? Why doesn't anyone love what they have? Why would you love more if you don't love little? Damn it.

I don't know these days wither I'm smart or stupid because no one seems to see what I see. Nor are they feeling what I'm feeling. I can understand if they're not experiencing what I'm experiencing.

Forced Introvert

Dear Characters,

Generally speaking I love to get out and do something. I love people bothering me and when people want attention I usually give that attention to them. Sometimes there are people that are not interesting enough to hold my attention. Shallow people end up becoming a burden upon the mind. To me there usually is something to analyze, watching people helps me understand myself better, come to better terms with who I am. If I'm addicted to anything my addiction falls into the mad study of the people around me.

To my dismay people don't like that. To my dismay people are unsatisfied with my 'irrational' behavior. There isn't an intrusion in their life with a study, a method everyone should be doing becomes an accusation. So here I am again! Home again. So long has it been I actually feel I've forgotten the proper way to be friends. The proper way to make friends has disintegrated and instead I have frustration.

Sincerely,

The Character