Extrovert Heaven

Dear Characters,

I'm in extrovert heaven! Every day, every night, I'm with friends. We go places, hang out, work together for cash. Everything I do is utterly involved with this system. Every now and then cool down days happen to pop up. Today is one of those days, for now. After all it is still much too early for me to determine how the rest of my day will go.

Some think hanging out with friends every day isn't healthy. On the other hand hanging out with thirty different people and individuals could not be more healthy for a person like myself. Lots of hugs and love. Not that I've actually taken the time to do anything with anyone. I still have just as many condoms as I started off with, no sex, I have cuddled up with two people but when it's not sexual does that even come across as something worth mentioning in that theme of addressed?

I'm not waiting on anyone.

I waited a couple of years one time, such a waste.

Either way, there is my update.

Sincerely,

The Character

P.S.

I need to take some pictures of myself down here.

My philosophy on love and relationships

Dear Characters,

Every now and then I say a lot of good things, especially when people come to me for advice and I have a lot to say when it pertains to love. I'm just going to share the conversation. Make out of it what you will.

Me

What's bugging you?
12:03amKylie

boyfriend-not
12:03amMe

Why do you need one?
12:04amKylie is offline.
12:04amKylie is online.
12:05amKylie

just asked him if he wanted to get back together so its just the two of us, and he turned me down "No, not right now..." and then before I asked him, he asked as sexual question asking if we can still do something while we are "open"

and I said yes,

and then I asked...

and a couple of mins ago, I took back my answer about the sexual question and changed it to no
12:06amMe

He's looking for lust, drop it.
12:06amKylie

exactly...
12:06amMe

It doesn't work if it's one sided.
12:06amKylie

but I do love him....

At least... I think I do.. what is love?
12:06amMe

Ha,
12:07amMe

Love is when you're in a state of happiness OF YOURSELF. That may come from your surroundings or it may come from people, things even I suppose. Love can be a hobby. Love can be anything you shape it to be. Love is your personal Jesus.
12:09amKylie

ahahahahahahahaha well I want to be with him... and he says he wants to be with me, and well..... nevermind.
12:09amMe

and well what?
12:09amKylie

I feel like a whinning bitch.
12:09amMe

Whine to me all night please.

Look, are you looking for someone to love you or are you looking for someone to pleasure you?
12:10amKylie

love.

and if that comes to it, pleasure
12:11amMe

Okay, well from what it sounds like to me you're approaching what you WANT (because you technically don't NEED anyone) backwards.

This boyfriend is looking for lust.
12:11amKylie

and I know that...
12:11amMe

Right

You're looking for love.
12:11amKylie

but I want to be with him later in life.

and it is a long distance relationship
12:12amMe

Why did you break up with him then?
12:12amKylie

I didn't
12:12amMe

Oh.

xP

Anyway
12:12amKylie

and he didn't
12:12amMe

Oh... ?

???
12:12amKylie

we just kinda agreed to start an open relationship... just so we can see what we're missing...
12:12amMe

But you want him to yourself.
12:12amKylie

and he was always alright with the fact that we can get back together completely whenever.
12:13amMe

I don't like that though. It's not 'stable' enough.
12:13amKylie

and so I asked tonight, and suddenly after all his bitching, he says "no, not right now"

exactly
12:13amMe

Right, he's lusting.

;/

I've never done well in relationships.
12:14amKylie

and it hurts.
12:14amMe

3 months, all my girlfriends. I loved them all but I didn't love them in a sense of ...

soul mate fashion?

I loved them for being my friend or being someone that I could love on every now and then.
12:16amKylie

this is what he said:

[12:15:25 AM] Ethan "MrTizzay" Thibault: Promise me you'll want to later! I want to know what's wrong, what I DID wrong, and make it right! If not then at least say goodnight to me! It irritates you when people log off on you, it hurts me to have you of all people just stop talking without even saying goodnight or something!
12:16amMe

Some didn't like it, but you can't force an agenda on someone or a loyalty system when they're not ready.
12:16amKylie

what does it mean?

tell me what feelings lie behind that!
12:16amMe

Alright, hold on.
12:17amMe

Because he has established love/lust with you he wants to keep it.

And

He wants to make sure that his agenda (which should come first) isn't going to hurt you.

Because he does care about you. Not necessarily as a lover but as a sincere friend.

But I could be wrong.
12:19amKylie

maybe.
12:20amMe

That's how this feels to me, because while I've never ever wanted an open relationship... I always made sure that my ex-girlfriend was okay because I didn't want them to be mad at me for the choices I made for the better of overall both of our lives.
12:20amKylie

I see...
12:20amMe

People who do that are people you want to keep around. The only difference is every now and then you get an asshole who isn't responsible and doesn't understand what he/she wants.
12:20amKylie

thank you.
12:20amMe

You're welcome.

I hope I could help, because you are a friend to me Kylie.
12:21amKylie

as are you.
12:21amMe

I don't date for a reason, or get a girlfriend.

I simply...

1) Have a terrible time falling for people.

2) I was always too curious to see how it could work with someone else.

Because I number two I know I'm not going to be ready to be in a relationship for a while.
12:22amKylie

its smart
12:23amMe

Yes, it also helps keep people from having the dreading feeling you get from when you don't understand what your love wants.
12:23amKylie

oh yeah.

*sigh **
12:24amMe

Loving a video game, or a toaster is easy. You give it attention and it will give that attention right back to you.
12:24amKylie

why couldn't you have told me this earlier?

ahahahahaha
12:24amMe

:):)

Because no one asks me these things!

Loving a person is hard because then you either find someone who suits your mold or you have to give up on a few things to make the 'compromise'.

Most people don't hand over all of their love to one person or thing, because they're either bigger than that, or because it is a love that is a workable imperfect fit.
12:27amMe

Which the imperfect fit may be stressed but I believe it becomes its own mold where the love can be sustained.

I just don't understand why people get married to watch television in different rooms though.

That's bull shit.
12:27amKylie is offline.
12:28amMe

Rant rant rant rant rant. (While you were away).
12:28amKylie is online.
12:28amKylie

ahahahahahahaha

thank you.

Please, keep talking.
12:28amMe

You're welcome. If you need to talk just please come talk to me.

I may lecture people every now and then but most of the time I'm ranting.

Especially about love! I'm always thinking about love and the web it makes.

Goes on forever.
12:29amKylie

I'm tired of talking though, I want to listen.
12:29amMe

Take cookies for instance.

Okay, I'll talk, hush hush.

Cookies, my love hate relationship.

Cookies are the best sweet in the world. I love them. BUT, they give me a mad case of acne, so I don't eat them.

So I have to compromise because I also love being in shape and having good hygene.

I just simply can't have cookies very often if at all!

It's a relationship that I had to quit for what I believe was better overall.
12:32amMe

Sure it sucks, and yes people may take a different perspective and I'm not going to contest their opinion. I only would when the relationship is obviously too poisonous overall.

I'm not going to appreciate a diabetic artery clogged fat dying smoking bitch eating any god damn cookies.

She loves the cookies but the cookies are killing her.

That shit pisses me off.




=================

This is some of my philosophy behind how I personally feel about love and relationships. As a matter of fact I think I'm very much in love with someone right now, however that relationship is one I never allowed myself to manifest, keep that poker face on for them. That love wasn't a love that I saw working, fitting, fixing itself into it's own mold. I'm not sure that love will work because I want to pour all my love into this person who we can share experiences with. I'm not saying spend every waking moment with her, but have someone to plan my life around. However, personally, I think they're pretty distracted with lots of things about life in general. Perhaps that's why I like her.

Unfortunately that's another reason to keep things the way they are even if it's one of the last things I actually want that to be.

UGH! I don't even think I explained this right, it doesn't make a lick of fucking sense. I almost feel ashamed to think that I love someone and this is how I explained it. Pathetic.

You know you're in love if you can't explain it.

Sincerely,

The Character

Sick and Better again in 24 hours

Dear Characters,

I've managed to get sick and better very quickly like I usually do. The only thing I didn't like about my getting better was the help of a doctor. However when my grandmother takes care of me she 'knows' what is best.

The night before last I was getting this pain in my throat. The pain was very minimal at first and I made sure to drink some hot tea with honey, twice. That however didn't keep it from getting worse as the night went on and eventually swallowing was feeling as enjoyable as broken glass down the same pipe. I couldn't sleep well that night and I spent the day laying down doing my damnedest not to swallow anything at all. Meaning dehydration and no food, an ugly combination.

My grandmother went ahead and scheduled a doctors appointment at two. We went and he pretty much said "You'll have to suffer, just get something into your system, you don't want to go to the hospital." Then he perscribed some medication and a shot, which I received in his office. I suddenly felt like I needed to throw up, whatever was in that shot was not very helpful.

Moments later I fainted from an upright standing position. Fainting is one of the most interesting experiences of my life and I'm sad to say it was from some medicine. I would rather faint by getting a knock out punch rather than medication... When I came two everyone was hovering over me, especially my worried grandmother. I wasn't hurt, I actually thought the whole experience was humorous. Apparently on my way down I bumped my chin on the counter which alerted everyone else who wasn't in the room, I also knocked over my grandmother but I didn't know that either until the story after. I think it is the most interesting thing in the world to be standing up in a doctors office one moment and then the next moment you're on the floor with everyone watching you and a blank gap on how you got there. Fainting is like falling asleep, and when you wake up it's really dream like.

Everyone helped me into a wheel chair, if my throat wasn't so swollen I would have said "I feel much better." They laid me down on one of the doctors table for a short recovery. Shortly after we left, picked up my perscription, came home and I was in bed probably so drugged up and tired of drinking water at that time I passed out in bed. Briefly woke up for some very smashed up sweet potatoes, went back to bed, and woke up at 1:30am feeling 100%.

I've been up since then writing in my journal, listening to music, and eating/drinking everything.

I feel great! My grandmother wants me to rest all day again though. Sucks.

Sincerely,

The Character

Kicked out

Dear Characters,

I have an axe to grind with the Church('s) of God. Merrily I'm set up in the residence of nice people who enjoy my company. I decide I would go ahead and join them in church this past Sunday as I wouldn't have anything else to do. This is a Catholic church, which the sermon was boring, equivalent to watching shit stiffen. Now there must be a better way to pass the time, I whip out my itouch and start listening to Marilyn Manson. I even bob my head to it a little bit with the sound of the music going into my left ear, my right ear untouched. I poke my friends I sit next to and chat with them quietly and start writing notes on the reasons why I don't like Church.

Of course, the land lady didn't approve thirty minutes later when she noticed my behavior and promptly kicked me out. Forget the fact she called me an "angel" or "sent from God!". She had to get another lady to help her tell me her complaints, which I was not against moving out if she wanted me too. I just didn't like her bringing up things that don't matter in term of removing me from the household. "YOU WANTED TO DRINK IN MY HOME!" She shouted, Natalie: "Mom, Ed didn't want to do that..."

She was putting out any reason bull shit or not just to get rid of me for fucking around in Church. Never mind Christ is about compassion and forgiveness. Was I being a dick in Church? Yes, but I wasn't being a big dick, she didn't even know what I was doing, she just saw the ipod and that set her off.

I don't need to be living with a sensitive land lady anyway. You can keep the rest of the gas I bought because you didn't have the money to pay for it. I have shit luck with anyone I live with apparently.

Now I moved in with my grandmother, which isn't so bad. I just want to be independent and I can be just that as soon as I get a job here. As soon as I get a job I can be independent, no joke. There are a couple of room mates that are waiting on that one requirement and I'm all set.

In other news... my grand mother found a couple of hickeys on my neck. The chick I was kissing didn't mean to leave them there. Excitement goes a long way. My grandmother took it well, she wanted all of the details, what a profusely curious lady she is. The subject would not change until I was dropped off at the Avenue. What a merry conversation, too bad the make up I applied to hide it didn't work. I'm a bad liar anyway.

Sincerely,

The Character

Florida

Dear Characters,

My time here in Florida has been fantastic. Everyone is an extrovert! We hang out all day and all night. Sure I take hours out of each day to apply, talk to managers, and make phone calls all in association to get a job. This work towards getting a job seems to have strengthened my relationships around here. When seeing someone move onward with their life gander that other people will help you, even when unable to provide much if anything at all! Nothing compares to the help my friends give me here.

I once said an original quote...

"People are so... concerned about themselves. It's really irritating. I go through hell to hang out with someone and someone doesn't want to go through heaven for me."

Here, everyone goes through whatever they have to in order to see me. I'm not trying to be vein, it's just they way I am. I want to hang out with people and it is a bonus when they appreciate me. That also has something to do with my background living here. People fight to hang out with me, or really complain when I say I can't make it somewhere. When someone is fighting over you they truly appreciate you.

There is one thing I don't like about leaving Georgia, one person who I wanted to work with and get to know, that is the one and only thing making the choice to come here almost unbearable. The time I have to give up getting to spend, getting to know, this person. Funny how such emotions make the victories of moving into your element nearly neglect.

I just wish I could have had the chance to fight for them.

Sincerely,

The Character

I'm not a light weight

Dear Characters,

Tonight is the first night I've had several drinks. Compared to my friends I must say I'm quite a master. Not to inflate my ego but if this is the first time I've had three beers and my friends girlfriend is wasted after that many and I have to drive everyone home then that only amounts to one thing. I'm not a light weight.

Everything I do has everything to do with the fact that I'm not a light weight. I'm more into pulling my weight that getting interested in succumbing to the influence of chemicals. I'm more interested in being real than not real. I don't like drinking, as a matter of fact "Icehouse" is probably the worst thing you can drink ever. Booze is disgusting. I prefer the finer wines if I was to drink (seeing as how my 'no drinking' vows seem to be out the window at this point, may as well if I don't get drunk anyway). I'm actually glad I can think straight under a little influence. I don't have to worry about doing something I will regret. I no longer have the impression that being around my friends could lead to a small disaster.

Driving home was easy, it was like every time I drive.

Only I'm lying a little. It was different under the influence of three beers, I'm just a great actor when I'm under the influence (meaning I should still be sober if I'm aware). When you move your head a little too fast when you've had something to drink you notice a difference. Perhaps it is because I noticed the different in my perception that I was able to remain sober. I'm on high alert, I can not let the guard down. Adrenaline moving through the veins just enough to keep me so aware of my surroundings. Sure as hell impressed everyone. However, who is impressing?

People have wanted to see me drunk and they haven't made it yet. I'm starting to think that they will give up. If drinking means nothing then what's the point in trying to get me drunk?

However, I have a feeling that if I was drinking with someone special things would be different.

That statement alone proves to me that three beers makes a difference, even if I was the driver home because I was the most sober.

Sincerely,

The Character

Due West at 2

Dear Characters,

Every now and then I end up walking late at night. Maybe it's because I want to walk around that late at night or I'm headed home. Every time I forget just how still everything is and as I walk past my surroundings I feel like I'm going through a museum. To squat down and examine the grass frozen in time seems so extraordinary. The street lamps glaciated in a cold hour glass, always red or green, never changing. The trees don't quiver. Homes have soft lights in their windows, revealing a lamp and a large cushion of a chair with a desk in the back ground. Almost as if they were the large version of the tiny houses you set up every Christmas. I really felt that snow was the only thing missing from this late night quiescent.

Sincerely,

The Character

Fear and Fiction

Dear Characters,

Television. The greatest form of communication for the 20th century and is slowing becoming replaced with internet sources, however not fast enough to keep people from buying big screen TVs, Blue Ray Dvd players, Surround Sound, a Giant Fucking Couch/Chair, Sometimes 3D glasses, and a shit ton of snacks to eat while you view to your extreme pleasure. If you're a girl you might buy a dildo for your porn, and a man thankfully uses a 'free' hand.

So you have all these entertainment enhancers at your disposal, not that you have all of them but you get comfortable in front of the TV. Now you watch LOST, HOUSE, CSI MIAMI, VH1, CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, TNT, SPIKE, CARTOON NETWORK (if you have kids I hope), ESPN, C-SPAN (NOT), TBS, and the list goes on for miles and miles. You are influenced by every single one of the networks you watch. You have so many sources of entertainment it saturates television, like a fat pig and his slop.

You have all your entertainment enhancers, now at this point the show you pay good money for, becomes pretty realistic. The gun shot wounds of an action movie sound and look as if it happened right in front of you. You're brain searches for the memory of the last scab you peeled and a chemical reaction happens in your brain as the sequence of events happens on the TV. Now you can even smell the flesh and blood of the actor as he cries out in agony and shoots back. You're in the middle of the gun fight and your heart races, races! Especially if this is your first experience. The crime scene biopsies seem as though you could walk into the room and see the dead body in the morgue.

The news sells you all the bad news and you see the yellow tape and the flashing lights of cop cars surrounding a store not too far from you. As a matter of fact you recognize the shop you visit three times a year out of the three-hundred and sixty days it is open. Hell! A child molester was found in the next state over a hundred miles away from you, he even worked at an elementary school. The TV is right in front of you though and you can join into the action right there, in front of you, in your own room. At work you can discuss the terrible fate of what is usually someone senile or idiotic because this shit rarely happens to a normal person.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL! Here, these drugs will help you with your depression, your anxieties, fears! Afraid to be home alone at night? Call this hot line and a cute chick will come talk to you, pork her in the process my good sir, we want to take care of that erection - and ladies we only send the men with the biggest dick, doesn't matter if you're 40-50 as long as you PAY.

And the scammers laugh at you when you buy a new home security system because a break in is almost statistically impossible for an individual dwelling.

Politicians love you when you get so scared you come to the city hall meetings and you cry for help, you squeal with your emotional arguments, expanding government control and regulation. More cops are hired, so many that they've got nothing to do but sit on their ass writing you speeding tickets costing you more money than just taxes even though you wanted the police there in the first place. Then the cops laugh when they abuse people and can get away with it. Bully cops had to be hired because you wanted more and in order to do that you had to sacrifice the quality of the cop.

You invited fear into your home because of the fictional shit that statistically doesn't happen. That child molester wasn't anywhere near you and you were afraid about the integrity of the school system you grew up with and now have kids going to. BUT IT DID HAPPEN DIDN'T IT? Right in your LIVING ROOM. You got a first hand experience, the first scoop! Then you got so worried at night because some tree branch was scratching the side of your house you ended up with anxieties, you became depressed because of your sad life and wanted more medication to shove down your throat!

Then the doctors laugh at you because they sold you something that makes you more sick, so you can come visit again. Give you drugs that have certain effects and strange chemical reactions.

Despite all this you say, "I REFUSE TO GET INVOLVED WITH VIOLENCE!" despite that's where you enjoy being with your CSI, RAMBO, CNN. You play victim and you always need a helper (cops, drugs, prostitutes). All you had to do was spend maybe $25 on a small gun, more for the extra bullets, and no one would interrupt your happy paradise. You like the heart pumping adrenalin through you, watching those shows with the flashy lights. Why so scared to live it? Hell, women without STD's dig a man with a gun. Women with knives are pretty damn sexy. Might as well keep the entertainment dons from making a killing off your fears from fiction.

You love it, why don't you participate in this world of ENTERTAINMENT.

Sincerely,

The Character